Monday, February 28, 2011

THE BEST OF FEBRUARY

HOW ABOUT THOSE OSCARS, HEY FOLKS? WHAT A RIVETING CEREMONY THIS YEAR. YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THAT BEST ANIMATED MOVIE WAS GOING TO BE FOUGHT OUT BETWEEN A HIGH-GROSSING PIXAR FILM, SOME ARBITRARILY-CHOSEN PIECE OF SHIT FROM DREAMWORKS, AND A FOREIGN-SOUNDING HAND-DRAWN THING NOBODY SAW, I WAS SHOCKED. WITH SO MUCH EFFORT TAKEN TO SEEK OUT THESE THREE CONTENDERS WHO COULD HAVE SAID WHICH WAY IT WOULD GO. BUT WITH CHARACTERISTIC SUBTLETY AND REFINEMENT OF CRITICAL TASTE THE ACADEMY SOMEHOW PULLED THROUGH FOR US.

ANOTHER AWARD THAT HAD ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WAS OF COURSE BEST PICTURE. WITH WEIGHTY NOMINEES LIKE BLACK SWAN AND INCEPTION IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW WHAT THE ACADEMY'S CAREFULLY-SELECTED TRIBUNAL OF THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD FIGHT CLUB ENTHUSIASTS WOULD PICK. IT MAY HAVE BEEN A BOLD CHOICE TO GO FOR A HEART-WARMING HISTORICAL BOX-OFFICE HIT ABOUT OVERCOMING DISABILITY AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA BUT IT IS ONE THAT I MYSELF APPLAUD. NOW THE KING'S SPEECH CAN TAKE ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE IN CINEMATIC HISTORY, NEXT TO OTHER CLASSIC OSCAR WINNERS LIKE BRAVEHEART, FORREST GUMP, AMERICAN BEAUTY, GLADIATOR, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE AND LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING.

IF THERE'S ONE THING THE OSCARS CAN TEACH US ABOUT ART, IT'S THAT THE BEST JUDGMENTS OF A WORK'S VALUE ARE THE GUT RESPONSES OF A DROOLING AND UNEDUCATED PUBLIC. THIS HAS OF COURSE BEEN THE CREDO OF THIS BLOG FOR ITS LONG ONE MONTH OF EXISTENCE, AND I HAVE TAKEN GREAT JOY IN SEEKING OUT THE FINEST READINGS OF THE MASTERPIECES OF OUR FOUR AND A HALF-THOUSAND YEAR OLD LITERARY CULTURE IN ORDER TO PRESENT THEM TO YOU IN ONE CONSOLIDATED PILE OF HUMAN EXCREMENT.

ALL OF THEM ARE SPECIAL, ALL OF THEM HAVE BROUGHT US PLEASURE, BUT AT TIMES WE MAY HEAR AMONG THE HERD A PAINED AND DISTORTED BRAYING THAT ON CLOSER INSPECTION TURNS OUT TO BE A SPECTACULARLY REVOLTING MUTANT. THE LAST DAY OF EACH MONTH I INTEND TO DEDICATE TO THESE PITIABLE CREATURES. SO HERE THEY ARE: THE WORST REVIEWS OF FEBRUARY, PICKED BY ME, THE GREATEST, MOST INTELLIGENT AND LEAST FALLIBLE PERSON ON EARTH





THE EPIC OF GILGAMESH

"I had to read this book for school. I was tired of it after the first page. How was this story so popular back then? It's boring and unreal. C'mon! One guy lived with animans most of his life anf Gilgamesh was part god. I know a story of a real hero, Neo from The Matrix. That guy is cool and interesting. Also, he is cool to watch. Gilgamesh would never become a movie. People would fall asleep. Besides, any school book isn't fun to read."


PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

"I don't question Jane Austin's ability to write a novel. She wrote a long piece of literature with scenes, characters and plot."


A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN

"First of all, he was quite the post modernist"


THE ODYSSEY

"Accoording to what i know about Odysseus i believe that he should not be in the Hero Hall of Fame Nomination Committee. He killed innocent people , cheated on his wife, and ate his friends. I believe that says it all about who Odysseus really is."


ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF SOLITUDE

"uhh no offense BUT THIS book should SUCK MY BALLS! um the amazing truth is that i didn't read IT!!!!!!!! but i read a few line sof the summar y thouh. it probably has to do someth ing wit hprophecies and that is why little noobies like the 5 raters have no sense of quantum mechanics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously wh y do we have to listen to the prphecy EH? BATMAN prophecies are assuming that time is presaid already which goes AGAINST QUANTUM MECHANICS!
QUANTUM MECHANICS IS WRONG? i think so....... every physiscs discovery is wrong thes DAYSSS .
baertrand would see alberts hinf beams pathing him at the full speed of lih ght! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7vpw4AH8QQ
since i dont have no idea what the book is about i andre wills just say tat it SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
X^yz+y^xz+Y^xy=X^y*Y^z*z^x"


LOLITA

"Girls want to be Lolita--they hold her up as--if not a role model, then a relatable character or a heroine. A sexually powerful child ahead of her years."


WAR AND PEACE

"classical reading re: wwII"


THE SCARLET LETTER

"She was forced to wear an 'A' for 'A whore.'"


MOBY-DICK

"As for the characters, they never quite make sense. If the whale represents Evil and Ahab Good, why is the latter such an unsympathetic person? What are we to make of the livid lightning scar down his side? The book is full of such presumed symbolism but it all remains vague and unfocused."


EACH NOMINEE HAS STRIVEN HARD FOR THE PEAKS OF INCOMPETENCE EACH HAS IN HIS OR HER OWN WAY ATTAINED

BUT THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE WINNER

THE AWARD FOR THE SINGLE WORST COMMENT OF FEBRUARY GOES TO


...



...





...CRIME AND PUNISHMENT


"There is no doubt that 'Crime and Punishment' would have been one of the greatest novels of the century had not Dostoevsky leaned towards the more acceptable sense of morality related to the weak tenets of Chrisitanity. In doing so, he made Rasknolikov a caricature of himself, lethargic and yet redeemable by accepting Christ's suffering. It was more appropriate to adapt Nietzsche's figure of 'the noble superman' but Dostoevsky, at the time of his writing, was a destroyed soul, drinking and plagued by debts, a gambling and morphine addiction and on top of that, he was a converted Christian, which is to say he resembled a 'spineless worm'.

There is a powerful beginning in which the bold character Rasknolikov conceptualizes the murder of an old aged hag who serves no purpose to society but beyond that, Dostoevsky tortures us with the conscience of an obstinate man who is shattered by an insignificant crime. In all effect, Dostoevsky became an apologist not only for bourgeois values and the Czar with his corrupt regime, but for Orthodox Christianity, which not only supported the exploitation of the Russian population but welcomed it. The end of the novel, which portrays a once proud, noble, and intellectually superior young man weeping before a prostitute and the image of the bible, brings about the demise of Dostoevsky's credibility."

CONGRATULATIONS

I LITERALLY CANNOT THINK OF A WORSE READING OF CRIME AND PUNISHMENT THAN THIS

THANK YOU AGAIN TO ALL OUR NOMINEES AND WE HOPE SEE YOU IN MARCH FOR MORE BAD REVIEWS OF GOOD BOOKS

1 comment:

  1. This makes me laugh. so. hard.

    Keep making these.

    ReplyDelete