Jane Austen - Persuasion II

"I can't get behind anyone who writes the 19th-century equivalent of a rom-com."


"Let me explain my vitriol. When I read Austen I read one thing: a man who is not rich or doesn’t desire to be rich shouldn’t procreate."


"From the onset of puberty I have wanted nothing more to be in love ... Yet every time I’ve tried to instigate this, and oh how I’ve tried to follow the Austen formula, my advances have their throats slit by women who desire to join a convent, are actually attracted to women thank you, or would much rather be pursued by, you guessed it, men with money."


"As I see it, time is precious. Love makes it more so. Eight years of opportunity is missed because of a stupid dying caste system; the novel raises this issue, and merely shrugs."


"This is the first Jane Austen novel I've read, and if it's at all exemplary of her work as a whole, I think I understand her appeal in some circles. This is largely a book of gossip, and in the end, of wish fulfillment. It's a reality show from late Georgian England, couched in flowery prose."


"It's no wonder that Ms Austen died an old maid. I imagine she spent her life mooning quietly over potential beaus and suffering imagined slights like a high school girl."


"My main complain is that Austen`s books are all mostly the same - there`s some more or less active heroin and there are two guys"

COLONEL WARWICKSHIRE'S FACILITY WITH A SPOON WAS VERY MUCH ADMIRED AT WARBLER'S FLAT, WHERE ANY THING WAS A WELCOME RELIEF TO THE THREE SISTERS, AND FOLLOWING THE BRAVERY HE HAD DISPLAYED IN THE INCIDENT OF MARY'S REVIVAL BY NALOXONE SHOT, EVEN CATHERINE HAD JOINED IN THE GENERAL PRAISE OF THE COLONEL. AT THE PROPER HOUR EVERY EVENING IT WAS HIS CUSTOM TO ARRANGE HIMSELF IN THE LARGE ARMCHAIR FACING THE FIRE, AND COOK THE FIRST CHUNK OVER THE FLAMES WHILE THE GIRLS COLLECTED ABOUT HIM, TYING THEIR THICK LEATHER BELTS AROUND THEIR UPPER ARMS AND SHIVERING OR ROCKING BACK AND FORTH AS THEIR FANCY TOOK THEM. TONIGHT BEING NO EXCEPTION, ALL EYES WERE ON THE SIZZLING BROWN CHUNK AS IT DISSOLVED IN THE COLONEL'S CAPABLE HANDS. EACH GIRL, EVEN CATHERINE, HOPED THAT SHE MIGHT BE THE FIRST CHOSEN, AND EACH WAS EQUALLY DISMAYED WHEN THE COLONEL, HAVING ADDED THE WATER, SWIFTLY INJECTED THE SYRINGE INTO THE WRECKAGE OF HIS OWN INNER ARM. ALL WERE SO FLUSTERED BY THEIR DISAPPOINTMENT THAT IT WAS NOT UNTIL A VOICE FROM BEHIND THEM ANNOUNCED THE PRESENCE OF AN OBSERVER THAT ANY OF THE SISTERS TURNED HERSELF ABOUT. LUCY'S ASTONISHMENT WAS BEYOND EXPRESSION -- IT WAS MR SHELBY!

"I SUPPOSE THAT IT IS THE CUSTOM IN THE WEST INDIES TO SERVE ONESELF BEFORE A LADY, COLONEL. MAY I THEREFORE ADVISE YOU THAT IN ENGLAND WE PREFER TO ATTEND TO THE DESIRES OF THE FAIRER SEX BEFORE WE STOOP TO GRATIFY OUR OWN."

"MY WORD, BOY!" SAID THE COLONEL, WITH NO SLIGHT INDIGNATION. THE GIRLS SCREAMED AND RUSHED TO STEADY HIS HAND.

"I ASSURE YOU, SIR," INTERVENED LUCY. "THE GOOD COLONEL HAS NO NEED OF SUCH ADVICE -- I MYSELF CAN VOUCH THAT HIS MANNERS CONCERNING THE FIRST HIT ARE ALWAYS EXEMPLARY. IF HE JUDGES IT BEST THAT IT FALL TO HIS OWN PART, IT IS ONLY TO FORESTALL ANY SQUABBLING BETWEEN THE LADIES OF THIS PARTY CONCERNING WHICH AMONG US MIGHT COUNT HERSELF THE FAVOURITE."

MR SHELBY ONLY SNIFFED, TURNED UP HIS NOSE AND RETREATED TO THE VESTIBULE. THOUGH LUCY AND CATHERINE HAD RECEIVED THE INTRUDER WITH THE FORBEARANCE OF CIVILITY, THE AGITATION OF COLONEL WARWICKSHIRE, AND THE TEARS OF MARY, PROVED ENOUGH TO QUITE SPOIL THE WHOLE PARTY'S BUZZ. "I NEVER MET SUCH AN ILL-MANNERED MAN!" CRIED LUCY UPON RETURNING TO HER CHAMBER. ALL NIGHT SHE SCRATCHED AT HER CHEST AND ARMS, AND HER SLEEPLESSNESS WAS HARDLY LESS OWING TO MR SHELBY'S CONDUCT THAN TO THE TWO TEN-BAGS OF TAR HEROIN BURNING IN HER VEINS.