3. THEY LIVE IN AND PERPETUATE A CULTURE OF FRAUD
ALL STUDENTS OF ENGLISH WILL TELL YOU THAT THEY'RE INTERESTED IN LITERATURE, OR, IF THEY'RE A REAL PRICK, THAT THEY'RE "PASSIONATE" ABOUT IT. BUT PROFESSING INTEREST IS NOT THE SAME AS DEMONSTRATING INTEREST. PROFESSING INTEREST IS A WAY OF ASSOCIATING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND WITH A CERTAIN ACTIVITY WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO PARTAKE IN THAT ACTIVITY. DEMONSTRATING INTEREST IS NOT AN ASSERTION BUT AN ACTION: IT MEANS DOING THE SHIT YOU'RE SO PASSIONATE ABOUT. THE MOST OBVIOUS AND MOST MEASURABLE BEHAVIOUR ASSOCIATED WITH AN INTEREST IN LITERATURE IS READING LITERATURE -- FOR THIS REASON IT IS SURPRISING TO DISCOVER HOW LITTLE ANY GIVEN ENGLISH MAJOR HAS READ.
THIS CONFUSION BETWEEN PROFESSED AND DEMONSTRATED INTEREST IS THE CHARACTERISTIC TRAIT OF ENGLISH MAJORS THE WORLD OVER. THEY WILL TELL YOU THEY'RE PASSIONATE ABOUT LANGUAGE -- WHEN THEY KNOW NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT ANY LANGUAGE. THEY WILL HAPPILY BLEAT THEIR OPINION ON DOZENS OF BOOKS THEY HAVE NEVER EVEN OPENED, AND REACT WITH BAFFLEMENT IF YOU CALL THEM ON IT. IT IS NOT THAT THEY ARE LYING DELIBERATELY. THEY DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE THAT THEY ARE LYING AT ALL: IT IS AS THOUGH THEY ARE MISSING THE MECHANISM FOR DISTINGUISHING A LIE FROM THE TRUTH.
WELL, MY FRIENDS, THAT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE. SOMETHING HAS BEEN PICKLED IN THEIR BRAINS, AND THEY HAVE FORGOTTEN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WORDS AND THINGS, BETWEEN SAYING AND DOING. THIS DISEASED SORT OF THINKING IS INEVITABLE, BECAUSE AN EDUCATION IN ENGLISH IS A LONG AND UNINTERRUPTED TRAINING IN EFFECTIVE FRAUD.
THE STANDARD OF ASSESSMENT IN ENGLISH STUDIES IS THE PERSUASIVE ESSAY. FROM HIGH SCHOOL ON, USEFUL LEARNING TECHNIQUES LIKE ROTE MEMORIZATION AND MASTERY OF SYMBOLIC SYSTEMS ARE CONFINED TO MATHEMATICS, HISTORY, AND THE SCIENCES. THE ONLY SKILL ROUTINELY TESTED IN ENGLISH IS THE ABILITY TO WRITE A FORMALLY-STRUCTURED ESSAY ATTEMPTING TO PROVE OR DISPROVE A THESIS THE STUDENT IS UTTERLY UNQUALIFIED TO JUDGE. SKILLFUL MANIPULATION OF LANGUAGE AND SKILLFUL DISGUISAL OF IGNORANCE ARE WHAT OTHER DISCIPLINES WOULD CALL SOPHISTRY -- BUT SOPHISTRY IS THE PRIZED SKILL IN ENGLISH. CHILDREN WHO CAN WRITE WELL ARE ALLOWED TO COAST WITHOUT COMPLETING THEIR WORK: WE ALL HAD FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO GOT PERFECT MARKS IN ENGLISH CLASS WITHOUT HAVING READ THE SET BOOKS, AND WHEN BEHAVIOUR LIKE THAT IS REWARDED, IT BECOMES HABITUAL. WE TEACH THE BRIGHT STUDENTS THAT TO LIE IS NOT ONLY A PERMISSIBLE WAY OF GETTING OUT OF WORK, BUT ACTUALLY A LAUDABLE WAY OF EXCELLING IN THE STUDY OF ENGLISH. TO SUCCEED WHERE YOU HAVE NOT MADE AN EFFORT BECOMES A BADGE OF PRIDE, A MARK OF NATURAL INTELLIGENCE RATHER THAN LABOURED KNOWLEDGE. THIS MODE OF ASSESSMENT CONTINUES RIGHT THROUGH COLLEGE.
AN ENGLISH MAJOR WHO MAKES IT THROUGH THE FIRST ROUND OF HIS OR HER EDUCATION -- THAT IS, ONE WHO SUCCESSFULLY CONVINCES A BUNCH OF FRAUDULENT ASSHOLES THAT HE/SHE KNOWS OR CARES ABOUT LITERATURE -- IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO THE SECOND ROUND, GRADUATE SCHOOL, IN WHICH OUR YOUNG SCHOLAR CAN FINALLY GIVE UP THOSE LONG, BORING NOVELS, POEMS AND PLAYS AND START ON THE LOFTIER TASK OF CONVINCING THE SAME BUNCH OF ASSHOLES THAT HE/SHE KNOWS OR CARES ABOUT PHILOSOPHY.
SINCE PHILOSOPHY IS REALLY HARD, ENGLISH DEPARTMENTS HAVE SUBSTITUTED THEIR OWN VERSION OF IT, CALLED "CRITICAL THEORY." I DON'T INTEND TO MAKE ANY CRITIQUE HERE OF THE CENTRAL THINKERS OF THIS MOVEMENT. MY ISSUE IS THAT ENGLISH GRADUATE PROGRAMS DO NOT HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR OR DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND THE THINKERS THEY PROFESS TO STUDY. WHATEVER THE MERITS OF THE FRENCH AND GERMAN POSTWAR SET, ALL OF THEM ARE WRITING IN CONVERSATION WITH LONG AND COMPLEX INTELLECTUAL TRADITIONS. FOUCAULT'S HABIT OF SPINNING AN ESSAY OFF A MINOR WORK OF KANT, DERRIDA'S DETAILED EXAMINATION OF LITTLE-KNOWN BITS AND PIECES OF ROUSSEAU, MEAN THAT THEY CANNOT BE FULLY GRASPED OR JUDGED WITHOUT A VERY SOLID BACKGROUND IN PHILOSOPHY. THEIR CONSTANT MANIPULATION OF HISTORY REQUIRES ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE OF HISTORY IF WE WISH TO DO ANY SORT OF CRITICAL READING. THE FOUNDATION OF VIRTUALLY ALL CRITICAL THEORY IN SAUSSUREAN THEORIES OF LANGUAGE OUGHT, SURELY, TO NECESSITATE SOME FAMILIARITY WITH LINGUISTICS. ENGLISH UNDERGRADUATE PROGRAMS NEITHER PROVIDE NOR REQUIRE THIS KNOWLEDGE, RESULTING IN A KNOWLEDGE GAP UPON ENTRY TO A GRADUATE PROGRAM: GRADUATE PROGRAMS DEAL WITH THIS PROBLEM BY IGNORING IT.
GRAD STUDENTS IN LITERATURE ARE CONSTANTLY ASSIGNED THEORISTS WHOM THEY ARE NOT REMOTELY EQUIPPED TO UNDERSTAND OR EVALUATE. NOR ARE THEY ASKED TO MAKE ANY EFFORT TOWARDS DEVELOPING THE SKILLS NECESSARY FOR SUCH UNDERSTANDING. FOR INSTANCE, LACAN, WHOSE ENTIRE OEUVRE IS A COMMENTARY ON FREUD, WHOSE FIRST AND EXPLICIT DEMAND UPON HIS READERS IS FAMILIARITY WITH ALL OF FREUD IN THE GERMAN, IS TAUGHT TO STUDENTS WHO HAVE NEVER OPENED A SINGLE VOLUME OF FREUD AND WHO ARE NO MORE CAPABLE OF GRAPPLING WITH HIS GERMAN THAN THEY ARE OF READING LACAN IN HIS NATIVE FRENCH.
THE ENGLISH GRADUATE IS TOLD: DON'T LEARN HISTORY, DON'T LEARN PHILOSOPHY, DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO THE THINKERS YOU DO READ, EXCEPT WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND DOESN'T REQUIRE YOU TO DO ANY WORK. IT IS ONE OF THE MOST ANTI-INTELLECTUAL ATTITUDES AVAILABLE TO HUMAN BEINGS, FIT ONLY FOR SLIMY, CAREERIST LITTLE FUCKS WHO HATE LEARNING BUT LOVE LOOKING LEARNED -- PERFECT FOR THE ENGLISH MAJOR, IN WHOSE MIND THERE IS NO DISTINCTION BETWEEN RESPECTABILITY AND INTEGRITY, BETWEEN SELF AND PERFORMANCE.
THIS, OF COURSE, EXPLAINS THE BIZARRE SATISFACTION THE STUDENT OF ENGLISH TAKES IN LECTURES AND DISCUSSIONS WITH PEERS (WHICH HAVE ALWAYS SEEMED TO ME THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY OF STUDYING BOOKS AND POEMS). THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT, WITH ITS UNNECESSARY APPARATUS OF FELLOW STUDENTS, OF DISCUSSIONS AND CONFERENCES AND GUEST SPEAKERS AND "TALKS", IS AN AUDIENCE, A PROTECTIVE WOMB, WHERE THE INFANTILE STUDENTS CAN SWIM FOREVER IN AMNIOTIC BLISS, SEALED FROM KNOWLEDGE, FROM CRITICISM; WHERE EVEN IF YOU KNOW NOTHING WHATSOEVER, YOU ARE PERMITTED TO PRETEND YOU ARE SPEAKING SENSE INSTEAD OF BABBLING LIES. A DEPARTMENT OF ENGLISH PROVIDES YOU WITH THE HERD, WHO WILL GLADLY INDULGE YOUR INTELLECTUAL DELUSIONS, FOR ONLY THE LOW, LOW COST OF YOUR INDULGING THEIRS.
):
ReplyDelete