4. THEY DON'T LIKE BOOKS
BECAUSE THE MOST TAXING INTELLECTUAL EXERCISE REQUIRED OF AN ENGLISH UNDERGRADUATE IS TO READ FICTION AND POETRY (SOMETHING NORMAL PEOPLE OF REASONABLE INTELLIGENCE DO OF THEIR OWN ACCORD AND FOR PLEASURE), THEY ARE LIABLE TO DEVELOP DISPROPORTIONATE IDEAS OF HOW DIFFICULT A TASK THIS IS. ENGLISH MAJORS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER TOLD ME A FIVE-MONTH COLLEGE COURSE IS NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND, SAY, THE NOVELS OF WILLIAM FAULKNER.
WHAT THE UNIVERSITY SYSTEM ADDS TO STUDYING LITERATURE I HAVE NO IDEA. YOU READ THE TEXT ON YOUR OWN. YOU GO TO A SHITTY LECTURE IN WHICH YOUR PROFESSOR SUMMARIZES (IN THE WORST CASE) THE PLOT OF THE BOOK YOU JUST READ, AND (IN THE BEST CASE) HIS OR HER OWN PUBLISHED WORK WHICH IS AVAILABLE IN THE LIBRARY. OCCASIONALLY THERE IS CLASS "DISCUSSION" WHICH GENERALLY BEGINS WITH THE PROFESSOR ASKING "WHAT DID YOU THINK?" AND STUDENTS ANSWERING "HURR DURR THE LANGUAGE WAS HARD" OR, AT THE VERY BEST, "I REALLY ENJOYED THE CHARACTERIZATION!" THEN THE PROFESSOR WILL PUT FORTH, IN A MANGLED, REDUCED VERSION SUITABLE FOR UNDERGRADUATES, THE WRITTEN ARGUMENT OF ANOTHER SCHOLAR, WHICH IS, AGAIN, SOMETHING YOU COULD HAVE LEARNT IN PRIVATE, BETTER, AND FOR FREE, AT THE LIBRARY. SO WHY DIDN'T YOU, MORON? WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING, AND PAYING, TO DO YOUR READING WITH A BRAYING, STINKING MOB OF TEENAGERS? WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS SYSTEM THAT IS WORTH HOBBLING YOURSELF WITH DECADES OF DEBT?
THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER: ENGLISH MAJORS HATE READING AND NEED TO BE FORCED TO DO IT. THERE IS A REASON ENGLISH MAJORS WILL SPEND HOURS ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER ABOUT WHETHER READING ON A KINDLE "COUNTS", OR RHAPSODIZING ON THE SMELL OF OLD BOOKS: IT'S BECAUSE THE MOMENT THEY SHUT UP, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP INHALING THEIR COPY OF MOBY-DICK AND ACTUALLY GET TO READING THE FUCKING THING. PREDICTABLY, ENGLISH MAJORS ARE THE ONLY ONES CONVINCED BY THIS CHARADE -- AND THE PEOPLE TEACHING THEM ARE WELL AWARE OF HOW EXPLOITABLE IT MAKES THEM.
IN ALL DISCIPLINES, THE PRESTIGE OF HIGHER EDUCATION HAS OUTLIVED ITS RIGOUR AND EFFECTIVENESS. GOING TO COLLEGE IS STILL EQUATED WITH GETTING AN EDUCATION, BUT UNIVERSITIES HAVE LONG SINCE REALIZED THAT IT'S FAR MORE PROFITABLE TO PROVIDE A 4-YEAR BABYSITTING SERVICE FOR ADULTS THAN IT IS TO PROVIDE THAT EDUCATION. TUITION CLIMBS, FULL PROFESSORSHIPS DWINDLE; CAMPUSES SPROUT EXPENSIVE GYMS, STADIUMS, DINING HALLS, MULTIMEDIA CENTRES, SEMESTERS AT SEA. GRADES INFLATE, FOUR-YEAR DEGREES STRETCH INTO THEIR FIFTH AND SIXTH, WITH A GAP YEAR SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY (FOR A BREAK FROM THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL STRAINS OF COLLEGE LIFE, WHAT WITH ITS READING AND WRITING AND 10 HOURS OF CLASS A WEEK). THEREFORE IT MAKES SENSE THAT A DEGREE IN ENGLISH IS STRUCTURED NOT, AS ONE MIGHT EXPECT, AROUND READING LITERATURE, BUT AROUND AVOIDING LITERATURE.
TAKE A LOOK AT AN UNDERGRADUATE ENGLISH SYLLABUS: YOU'LL FIND THINGS LIKE "DIGITAL LITERATURES", "CLASSIC WORKS AS FILM ADAPTATIONS", "HISTORY OF THE GRAPHIC NOVEL". THRILLED WITH THE CHANCE TO EARN CREDIT FOR READING THE SAME CHILDREN'S BOOKS THEY HAVE BEEN READING SINCE THE AGE OF EIGHT, ENGLISH MAJORS FLOCK TO COURSES LIKE "THE WORLD OF HARRY POTTER: A CRITICAL CROSS-DISCIPLINARY EXAMINATION," WHERE, I PRESUME, THEY WILL BE ABLE TO UTILIZE ALL THAT CROSS-DISCIPLINARY KNOWLEDGE AND CRITICAL APTITUDE THEY HAVE. THE PROBLEM HERE IS NOT THE SUBJECTS, WHICH ARE PRESUMABLY WORTHY OF SERIOUS STUDY IN SOME CAPACITY -- IT IS THAT THESE COURSES ARE NOT DESIGNED TO BE SERIOUS STUDIES. THEY ARE DESIGNED TO KEEP STUDENT NUMBERS UP, TO KEEP GPAS UP, TO KEEP GRADUATION STATISTICS UP. ENGLISH DEPARTMENTS ARE HIGHLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO COLLEGE-WIDE BUDGET CUTS, AND UNLESS THEY CAN PROVE THEMSELVES TO BE "RELEVANT TO STUDENTS" TO THE MBAS ON THE COLLEGE BOARD, THE PEOPLE TEACHING THESE ENGLISH COURSES WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS.
BUT NOT ONLY ARE PROFESSORS OF ENGLISH BUSY DEVISING THESE TRENDY COURSES, THEY ARE DESPERATELY SEEKING JUSTIFICATIONS FOR THEIR OWN INCAPACITY FOR LITERATURE. WE TALKED LAST TIME ABOUT THE CONFUSION OF WORDS WITH REALITY IN ENGLISH DEPARTMENTS. ONCE AN ENGLISH MAJOR HAS BEEN LYING, FAKING, PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED, FOR THE BETTER PART OF 25 YEARS, THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN ASSERTION AND EXPRESSION HAS ENTIRELY DISAPPEARED: THE HORRIFYING RESULT IS THE ENGLISH PROFESSOR. THIS FINAL FORM OF ENGLISH MAJOR IS NO LONGER BOUND BY THE LAWS OF CONTRADICTION. HE OR SHE GAINS MANY OCCULT, SEEMINGLY PARADOXICAL POWERS: FOR INSTANCE, THE PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH CAN DRAW A $150,000 SALARY FOR HIS WORK AS A LEADING THEORIST OF MARXISM.
THE GREATEST, MOST FANTASTIC ILLUSION THE PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH CHERISHES IS THAT "RADICAL ACTIVISM" IS POSSIBLE WITHIN THE CONFINES OF AN ACADEMIC CAREER. IT IS NO SURPRISE THAT THESE PEOPLE, WHO HAVE NEVER FACED DOWN A RANK OF RIOT POLICE, NEVER BEEN BEATEN OR IMPRISONED OR IN FACT RECEIVED ANYTHING BUT JOURNAL CITATIONS AND TENURE FOR THEIR BELIEFS, SERIOUSLY THINK THAT ONE CAN SHAKE THE FOUNDATIONS OF CAPITALISM, OF PATRIARCHY, OF RACISM, FROM BEHIND A MAHOGANY DESK THAT IS CLEANED NIGHTLY BY JANITORIAL STAFF. THEIR JUSTIFICATION FOR THIS OUTRAGEOUS MISCONCEPTION IS A WONDER TO BEHOLD.
THE LINE IS THAT THE STRUCTURE OF ACADEMIA, ESPECIALLY IN ENGLISH, WHICH FOCUSES ON A CANON OF CLASSIC WORKS, IS INHERENTLY RACIST, SEXIST AND CLASSIST, AND THEREFORE MUST BE RESISTED. IT IS A SPLENDID RECONCILIATION OF JAW-DROPPING IGNORANCE WITH ABSOLUTELY RISIBLE CLAIMS TO POLITICAL CONSCIOUSNESS -- THE ONE JUSTIFIES THE OTHER. THE THREE-THOUSAND YEAR HISTORY OF WESTERN THOUGHT BECOMES A PARADE OF "DEAD WHITE MEN" WHICH WOULD BE OPPRESSIVE EVEN TO TEACH. THERE IS GREAT JUSTICE TO THE CLAIM THAT WESTERN ACADEMIA IS PROVINCIAL AND MYOPIC, BUT THIS LOSS OF CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL TRAINING IS NOT REPLACED BY STUDIES IN THE GREAT CIVILIZATIONS OF AFRICA, EAST ASIA, INDIA AND THE MIDDLE EAST. IT IS REPLACED BY THE FLUFF COURSES DISCUSSED ABOVE.
THUS, THE ENGLISH MAJOR IS NOT ONLY GROOMED TO BE HOPELESSLY BARREN OF ALL KNOWLEDGE OF ANY CULTURE, INCLUDING THAT OF THE WEST, HE OR SHE IS OFTEN TRAINED TO BE ACTIVELY CONTEMPTUOUS OF SUCH KNOWLEDGE. UPPER-MIDDLE-CLASS PEOPLE WITH SECURE, SEDENTARY JOBS DESIGNED SO THAT THE ADULT CHILDREN OF OTHER UPPER-MIDDLE-CLASS PEOPLE CAN PARTY FOR FOUR CONSECUTIVE YEARS, MINIMUM, WHILE THEIR MEALS ARE PREPARED AND THEIR TOILETS ARE SCRUBBED BY AN UNDERPAID SERVANT-CLASS OF THE WORKING POOR -- THESE PEOPLE HAVE THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE GALL TO SAY PLATO AND DANTE ARE THE ILLNESS IN OUR CULTURE, THAT THE REASON MINORITY GROUPS FEEL VOICELESS AND UNDERREPRESENTED IN ACADEMIA IS THAT WE MAKE THEM READ SHAKESPEARE.
IF YOU ENJOY TELLING PEOPLE YOU LOVE TO READ, BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ANY BORING PHILOSOPHY OR HISTORY, AND REALLY WHAT YOU MOSTLY MEAN IS "I LOVE READING AMATEUR EROTIC FICTION ABOUT DOCTOR WHO," AND YOU'VE NEVER READ ANY OF THE MAJOR AUTHORS IN YOUR OWN LANGUAGE, AND YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO READ THEM WITHOUT SOMEBODY STANDING OVER YOU WITH A GRADEBOOK SAYING "DO IT", BUT YOU ALSO NEED AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE YOU CAN SKIP ABOUT HALF THE READING AND STILL GET A DECENT GRADE BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIT LAZY, AND YOU WANT TO WRITE YOUR THESIS ON SOMETHING LIKE "PERFORMANCES OF GENDER IN A SHITTY COMIC BOOK I READ BEFORE I ARRIVED AT COLLEGE", AND, FINALLY, YOU'D LIKE TO BE CONGRATULATED AND RESPECTED BY YOUR PEERS WHEN YOU TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR ARTFUL DODGES OF THE SYSTEM YOU ARE PAYING TO EDUCATE YOU, I'M VERY SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT ENGLISH IS THE APPROPRIATE COURSE FOR YOU.
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