OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS I'VE HAD SEVERAL QUERIES FROM SEVERAL PARTIES ABOUT MY DEEP AND ABIDING DISGUST FOR ENGLISH MAJORS. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PICKING ON THEM? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO DESERVE YOUR MIGHTY SCORN, O GENIUS PHILOSOPHER-KING?
AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, THE ANSWERS TO THESE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ARE VERY LONG AND INVOLVED. THIS WEEK I WILL BE LAYING THEM OUT IN A SERIAL JEREMIAD AGAINST THE ENTIRE DISCIPLINE OF STUDYING ENGLISH LITERATURE. HOWEVER, A WORD BEFORE I BEGIN IS PROBABLY NECESSARY: I DON'T HATE EVERY SINGLE ENGLISH MAJOR. MANY OF MY OWN FRIENDS HAVE TAKEN DEGREES IN ENGLISH, AND THEY ARE IN FACT REASONABLY INTELLIGENT HUMANS WITH GOOD CULTURAL RANGE AND SENSITIVITY. I KNOW THAT GOOD ENGLISH MAJORS EXIST (I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE STUDYING ENGLISH). THE ENGLISH MAJOR I MAKE FUN OF ON THIS BLOG IS A SORT OF WEBERIAN IDEALTYPUS; A HEAP OF UNIVERSAL IGNORANCE COLLATED FROM MANY SCRAPS OF INDIVIDUAL IGNORANCE. FEW REAL-LIFE ENGLISH MAJORS DEMONSTRATE EVERY FLAW I ASCRIBE TO THE TYPE, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, EVEN FEWER DON'T DEMONSTRATE SOME OR MOST OF THESE FLAWS.
BUT ENOUGH EXCUSES. LET US PROCEED TO THE FIRST REASON WHY ENGLISH MAJORS ARE SO, SO UNFATHOMABLY TERRIBLE:
1. THEY DON'T KNOW ENGLISH
IF THERE'S ONE THING ENGLISH MAJORS NEVER TIRE OF TELLING EVERYBODY AROUND THEM, IT'S HOW MUCH THEY LOVE GRAMMAR (AND HOW GOOD THEY ARE AT IT). REASONABLE GRASP OF STANDARD INSTITUTIONAL ENGLISH IS NOT KNOWLEDGE OR UNDERSTANDING OF GRAMMAR, ANY MORE THAN KNOWING HOW TO READ A CLOCK IS KNOWLEDGE OR UNDERSTANDING OF THE PHILOSOPHY OF TIME. ENGLISH MAJORS DO NOT HAVE THE FAINTEST IDEA WHAT GRAMMAR IS. THEY THINK IT'S STUFF LIKE KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "YOUR" AND "YOU'RE," OR KNOWING WHERE TO PUT A SEMICOLON. THEY THINK IT'S "TAKING A STAND" ON THE OXFORD COMMA.
THEY ALSO THINK IT'S THE GOD-APPOINTED DUTY OF ANYBODY "GIFTED" ENOUGH TO HAVE GROWN UP SPEAKING THE DIALECT OF THE RULING CLASS TO SEEK OUT AND WHINE ABOUT DEVIATIONS FROM THAT DIALECT AT EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF THEIR MEANINGLESS LIVES. "HEH, LOOK AT THAT SIGN ADVERTISING 'ORANGE'S,'" THEY PULE. "HAVEN'T THOSE FUCKING IDIOT FARMERS EVER OPENED AN MLA MANUAL?" FORTUNATELY, I HAVE PREPARED A HANDY QUIZ YOU ARE WELCOME TO PRESENT TO THE NEXT ASSHOLE WHO TELLS YOU "SORRY, BUT GRAMMAR IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME":
1. WHAT'S THE SUBJUNCTIVE MOOD
2. WHAT'S A PERIPHRASTIC TENSE
3. WHAT'S AN ERGATIVE VERB
4. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PRIMARY AND SECONDARY SEQUENCE IN A CONDITIONAL STATEMENT
5. YOU'RE AN IDIOT
NOW, OBVIOUSLY I DON'T MEAN TO SUGGEST THAT IGNORANCE OF THESE PARTICULAR TERMS IS AN INTELLECTUAL FAILING. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE CLAIMING TO BE INTERESTED IN AND KNOWLEDGEABLE OF THE DESCRIPTIVE MODEL OF WHICH THEY ARE A PART, AND YOU'RE USING YOUR FRAUDULENT POSE OF KNOWLEDGE TO TELL SOMEBODY THEY'RE WRONG AND STUPID AND UNEDUCATED FOR SPLITTING AN INFINITIVE. BECAUSE IF THAT'S THE CASE, IT IS AN ENORMOUS INTELLECTUAL FAILING AND YOU'RE ALSO A PROVINCIAL FUCKING CUNT. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU "I'M KIND OF A GRAMMAR NERD", THEY'RE NOT USUALLY LOOKING FOR A CONVERSATION ON THE ROLE OF THE DATIVE IN PROTO-INDO-EUROPEAN. THEY GENERALLY MEAN "I AM FAIRLY GOOD AT INTUITIVELY (BUT NOT ANALYTICALLY) UNDERSTANDING THE CURRENT VERSION OF ENGLISH APPROVED BY EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTIONS, AND BOY DOES THAT EVER MAKE ME FEEL SUPERIOR TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T."
BECAUSE AS ANYONE WHO HAS ACTUALLY STUDIED THIS SHIT KNOWS, GRAMMAR IS NOT A LIST OF WHAT IS CORRECT AND INCORRECT; IT'S THE UNDERLYING STRUCTURE OF A SPECIFIC ORGANIC LANGUAGE, AND IT CHANGES WILDLY FROM CONTEXT TO CONTEXT, REGISTER TO REGISTER. WHINING ABOUT MISPLACED APOSTROPHES ISN'T EVIDENCE OF CULTURE OR SOPHISTICATION; IT'S FUCKING JUVENILE. BUT TRY TO EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PRESCRIPTIVE AND DESCRIPTIVE GRAMMAR TO THE ENGLISH MAJOR WHO HAS BEEN PRAISED SINCE EARLY CHILDHOOD FOR HIS MOSTLY-CONSISTENT ADHERENCE TO A SET OF ARBITRARY RULES, AND BEHOLD; THE TORRENT OF RACIST, CLASSIST BULLSHIT SHALL POUR FORTH FROM HIS SLOBBERING MOUTH JUST LIKE THE QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS HIS PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR HIS EDUCATION POURS INTO THE COFFERS OF THE INSTITUTION THAT IS FORCING YOU TO TALK TO HIM.
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