Saturday, February 23, 2013

Homer - The Iliad IV

"He lived before Christ, a time that is unimaginable to most of us. He winked into existence at about the time of the Trojan War, that much we do know. There was someone: he may not have been blind, but he saw more than anyone had up until that point, and arranged the tenuous first gasps of civilization upon homo sapiens."

"not much substance"

"Hey, Yall, the Illiad Suxors.

A plague, a plague on Homer. Not Simpson, but mister epic poem bizzatch. God, I hate the Illiad. Think I'm gonna hate the Odyssey, too.

Oh, well.

Peace, all."

"i hate the illiad. it's the dumbest book ever written. i'm sure many would agree with me. i think we've finally managed to get to a somewhat decent part and that's like book 18 out of 24. i mean come on. with a name like 'homer' you've got to be expecting something worth reading... but no. it sucks. i don't understand it. i wish it would burn."

"Through out the book it feels like you're right in the middle of a CAPCOM playstation game."

"Terrible. And enough of 'rosy fingered dawn' already. In fairness, it was probably quite good back in 300 BC, when there was nothing else to do but listen to stories of people eating food ALL THE TIME, but by today's standards, there are better things to read."

"expansive scenes of 'blood and gore' may offend the more civilized readers of today."

"the fucking chapter that's just a fucking list of all the ships and how many people were on them? fuck that shit."

"i was like a famished wild beast, i 'ate' the book. It is undescriable"

"So I'm currently finishing up an essay (and by 'finishing' I mean, 500/2000 words. Hehe) on Homer's 'The Iliad'. The more I re-read this book, the more I realize how ridiculous it is.

Now, I've been retelling my friends about said ridiculousness, and the way I've told it, apparently is hilarious. It's raping the Iliad basically, is what I've been doing. XD

I've been considering creating a parody comic series of the Iliad. One issue is that I'm a shitty artist, so everything will basically be one step up from MS-paint stick figures, so...

I've been considering scrapping the comic idea, and just doing a 'Dramatic Retelling' of the Iliad.

Here's a few snippety sneak peeks of how it would potentially sound:

'I mean, they come to take Briseis away, and Achilles is all 'Kay. Bye babe! Imma go and sit on the sand and cry for a while till my mom shows up. And then Imma go be pissed at Atreus and be all Screw you Achaeans, I'm goin home'. YES. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS.'

'Aphrodite is all 'OMGNOBODYTOUCHMYPARIS!' and plucks Paris off the battlefield like a fucking ragdoll.
And then Helen's all 'I dunno. I don't feel like sleeping with him', and Aphrodite's all 'YES YOU FUCKING DO, YOU BITCH! NOW GET YOUR MILF ASS IN THERE!' and Helen's like '....kay.'

Yah. Helen's a MILF. Who knew?'

'Also, Achilles's mom didn't want him to fight 'cause he was like, nine, and so she dressed him up as a girl and took him away to another kingdom to work as a servant. There, he banged some princess and got her pregnant, but nobody really seemed to care and it never comes up in the story ever again and nobody even mentions it. Lame.
Then Odysseus came and recognized Achilles, and said 'DUDE! YOU GOTTA COME TO WAR!' but he said it way smarter 'cause this is Homer's Odysseus, and not Virgil's who was really fucking stupid, 'cause Virgil has a boner for Aeneas whose mom is Aphrodite so you know he's a pansy anyway. Plus his name sounds like 'Anus'.
ANYWAYS, so Achilles is like 'kay.' But his mom's all 'BUT HE'S ONLY FIFTEEN!' and he's like 'BITCH PLEASE' and goes off to war.'

So. Thoughts?"

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